"Put Me To What Thou Wilt"

20 years ago, on June 13, 1999,  I became an elder in the North Carolina Conference of the United Methodist Church.  I had already been ordained in 1992 in a Southern Baptist church but for various reasons having to do with Wesleyan theology (head) and with a feeling of having come home in the UMC (heart), I began serving my first appointment at a two-point charge in 1996.  My orders were "recognized" as a deacon in 1997 and then after serving 2 more years and appearing before the Board of Ordained Ministry again, I was finally officially an elder (which is the same as a presbyter or a priest.) 

It has been an interesting journey. Very little about it has been predictable, and none of it has been boring.  I have had moments of searing grief and pain, hours of sheer delight and wonder, and times of confusion and indecision.  But at no point has my faith in Christ left me, nor has my conviction that my vocation is and always shall be as an ordained minister.

Over the past several months, after an extended period of discernment, it became apparent to me that I was being led towards a new chapter, something that is both radically different and reassuringly similar.  I began to explore the possibility of becoming "Recognised and Regarded" in the Methodist Church in Britain, a very long process that has involved the writing of papers on my part, submitting lengthy letters of reference by people who know me well, a Skype interview (and you haven't lived until you've been assessed face-to-face via the wonders of the internet!), a process that now necessitates my travel to London in just a few days for a psychological evaluation and a formal time of being interviewed. 

I have packed and re-packed several times, and I'm not quite sure why it's so much harder this time than it was for my sabbatical in 2017.  Maybe it's because of the anxiety that accompanies being scrutinized and examined.  Maybe it's because it involves change and meeting new challenges. Maybe it's because the outcome is quite honestly unknown.  There is, after all, no guarantee that I will "pass" or that a suitable station that matches my gifts with a circuit's needs will be available even if I do.  Following the interviews, the only employment of my time that is a given is the five weeks I will spend preaching in the Tiree Parish Church in the most westerly island of the Inner Hebrides -- and that has nothing whatsoever to do with Methodism since it is a Church of Scotland congregation!

Although he can come across as extremely directive (aka bossy) and sure of himself, John Wesley also had seasons of disappointment and uncertainty.  He seemed all set for an academic career at Lincoln College, Oxford but then veered off in another direction -- literally -- by heading to the colony of Georgia, of which he had high hopes.  Alas, much of his time there was anything but successful, although it is interesting that even at that early stage he showed respect for a woman's spiritual life even if it conflicted with her husband's wishes.  He was, after all, the son of  Susanna Annesley Wesley! 

However, his strict understanding and practice of the rites of the Church (immersion of infants and refusal to preside at the burial of a non-Anglican, for example) and of course, his disastrous love affair with Sophy Hopkey, sent him reeling back home to England, unsure of his ministry's direction and feeling personally dejected.  But look how God used him and all the varied experiences of his life, the joyful as well as the sorrowful, to fan the flames of a revival whose fire still burns today! 

Even in his most troubled hours, John Wesley sought the will of God, trusting that the Spirit was at work even if he couldn't presently see just how.  His appropriation of the Covenant Prayer sums up his life's deepest orientation well, and it is one that I pray every day of my life, seeking to place all that I have and all that I am in the hands of the good God who loves me so, even in this time of great upheaval and change in my life:

I am no longer my own, but thine.
Put me to what thou wilt, rank me with whom thou wilt.
Put me to doing, put me to suffering.
Let me be employed by thee or laid aside for thee,
exalted for thee or brought low for thee.
Let me be full, let me be empty.
Let me have all things, let me have nothing.
I freely and heartily yield all things
to thy pleasure and disposal.
And now, O glorious and blessed God,
Father, Son, and Holy Spirit,
thou art mine, and I am thine. So be it.
And the covenant which I have made on earth,
let it be ratified in heaven. Amen.