Pride and Prejudice and Women in Ministry

One of my favorite books is Pride and Prejudice.  I first read it in high school, long before the Colin Firth/Jennifer Ehle film version came out, and I have re-read it many times, always enjoying Austen's wit and descriptive power. Her characters spring to life on the page and once encountered, are never forgotten.

Mr. Darcy's first proposal of marriage to Elizabeth Bennet is truly unforgettable.  He is obviously in a state of high emotion, and at first, he can hardly compose himself enough to tell her of his feelings.  He does so, however, and in terms that make it clear that he expects her to immediately accept his offer of marriage despite the insulting terms in which it is couched.  When she politely but coolly rejects him without enumerating her reasons, he finds her answer "incivil"  and is dumbfounded as he asks for an explanation.

Her response is succinct and penetratingly insightful. 

I might as well enquire," replied she, "why with so evident a desire of offending and insulting me, you chose to tell me that you liked me against your will, against your reason, and even against your character? Was not this some excuse for incivility, if I was uncivil?

I was reminded of her response a short time ago.  October has been designated Pastor Appreciation Month by somebody, somewhere, but it's not universally observed, which is no big deal.  I'd much rather have daily respect and support and love from my parishioners anyway, but sexism and insensitivity often rear their ugly heads, sometimes unconsciously. 

Recently, I was approached by a family with a pastoral care need, and to my dismay, they expressed their desire for my assistance in terms alarmingly similar to Mr. Darcy's reluctant declaration of love to Miss Bennet.  The spokesperson indicated that most of her family had always liked me "even though I'm a 'woman minister,' while warning that a close family member doesn't like 'woman preachers,' and that she herself actually doesn't either, but that I'm okay.  Then she laughed as if the comments were funny or as if that made the offensive statements somehow less rude.

This was during a telephone conversation, and I immediately responded, not with Elizabeth Bennet's eloquence but certainly with her spirit.  I firmly told the person that her family member is free to think and feel whatever he likes but that rudeness to me would be cause for us to tangle and that I was sorry to think that she herself could not extend acceptance to other clergywomen. In my head I was yelling, "You chose to tell me that you like me and accept my ministry in spite of my gender, one of the most essential things about my very being!  How can you possibly think that is a compliment or that I even want to hear such a thing?"

I have been in ordained ministry for over 26 years, and I have been insulted in the streets of Fayetteville by perfect strangers, rejected in the sanctuary from participation in a funeral by family members who wanted a "real" minister, ignored in board meetings only to hear my ideas accepted when a man repeated what I first said, sexually harassed in the hallways of the church building by grinning men who found my anger amusing, and condescended to by the very people set aside to guide and support me in my ministry.  In 2007, I wrote about some of these painful experiences in my doctoral project entitled Fire in Our Bones:  Clergywomen Faithful to the Divine Call, but obviously these disturbing incidents are not solely confined the past.

I know people don't want to hear this.  I know people find it easier to think that I misunderstood or overreacted or that these incidents are few and far between.  I get it.  I am, by nature, a peacemaker.  I hate confrontation and try to give people the benefit of the doubt over and over and over again.  But sin is sin and must be called out.  I am a human being, a woman, created in God's image no less than a man.  Furthermore, I have received a call from God to, as John Wesley put it, "spend and be spent" in the saving of souls, and I have been set apart by my Church through the laying on of hands and the words, "Take thou authority to preach the gospel."  I stand in a tradition whose guiding light was quick to see the gifts and grace for ministry and service in the lives of the women he knew.  Wesley was a man of his time, but he was also the child of a remarkable woman who pushed the boundaries of accepted convention in her spiritual life, and at least partly because of that, he recognized that there were other women similarly gifted and called.

These words and actions I have mentioned are demeaning and unacceptable.  They are hurtful and unjust.  But they cannot shake me at my core because I know my value as a beloved daughter of the Most High God, and I know that the Spirit is upon me to preach the gospel of Jesus Christ.  In that light, I urge you to think carefully before you speak words that you may think light-hearted or funny because in reality, you are undermining and hurting the person you mean to honor.  And for heaven's sake, banish all sexual innuendo and sexist put-downs from your life and heart. 

"Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable -- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy -- think about such things and the God of peace will be with you." (Philippians 4:8)